SMS from the Ex

I received this sms from the Ex yesterday morning and I posted this to let people know how a child is being alienated from the father. This is not the first time that this is happening.

"Please dont bother coming becase i am out and your son does not want to see you.he has writen a letter to your lawyer which she did not reply. "

She has even got my 14 year old boy to write a letter to my lawyer. Isn't this mental abuse? What are my sons going through?

A father’s journey (an unfinished work)

Please do this exercise with me.

I need you to close your eyes for 3 minutes. While your eyes are closed, I want you to think about your childhood. I want you to think about your parents. Granted, some of you may have had a single parent rather than both in your life.

I want you to feel the tug of love that both parents had when you were created. You were created in awe. You are a majestic creation. There are no two of you anywhere in the world. You are an individual created by two people, called a father and a mother, a man and a woman, without which you would not exist today. You would not exist if not for the two most important people who brought you into the world.

This two people: A man and a woman, created the energy and you became the life of that energy. This two are referred to as our father and mother. Are they important to us now that we are older? The composition of two parents and children were commonly referred to as a family. When the relationship between the man and woman breaks up, in the case of a divorce, the family unit is said to have broken up. This is not true. The family unit remains intact. What has broken up is the physical link but not the emotional and psychological link. This link continues for as long as we live. This is the reason we sometimes go in search of our ‘roots’. Our roots are embedded in the genetic code of our parents and of their parents before that.

Parents: The world of children
There is a Hindu tale about Lord Ganesha winning a mango from Lord Shiva. This bet was between Lord Ganesha and his brother Lord Muruga. They were asked by their father Lord Shiva to go around the earth thrice and who came first was to be the greatest and will get the mango. Lord Muruga climbed on his peacock and flew around the earth with great strength. Lord Ganesha did not want to climb on his little mouse. He knew he couldn’t win. So he cleverly thought of a plan, he went around his parents thrice, bowed before them and declared that his parents represented the whole world to him. He won the race and the mango!! Written years ago, this suggests that both parents represent the world to our children.

When a father and mother decide to separate i.e. divorce, they are two life forces who have decided to go their separate ways. Does this mean that the life they created is to be abandoned? No. That life which is called children continues to exist carrying on the energy of their parents.

Since we are but individual vessels carrying our parent’s energies, should we not remain close to them at all times?

When parents get divorced, there is a tendency to alienate the child from one of the parents. When custody is granted to the mother, the mother may decide to keep the child away from the father to punish him for whatever he may have done to her. It may also be a father who decides to punish the mother by keeping their children away from the mother.

Do we want to give our children good memories or bad memories?

Our own children are now undergoing a process where they capture memories, so that one day when they grow up and become those memories will be are the ones that are left.

Both parents here do not realize that when children are being separated from either parent, they are removing the ability of the child to enjoy the comfort and security that comes with both parents. There are of course mothers or fathers who try to substitute the missing parent with another person in the hope that the children will accept and grow well. We all know from our own live experiences that this is never true. When we have lost a parent, we continue to seek them and miss them.

When a parent teaches a child not to see their father or mother, that parent is committing a crime of the highest order. In effect, they are separating the child from the children’s world. They are forcing a child to accept reality and grow up quickly. This child will have to face massive emotional problems. It is stated that 80% of crimes are apparently being committed by children of single parents.

Children need both parents without which they cannot grow up as normal human beings with their own individuality.

"Divorce may liberate parents but it traps their sons and daughters for years."Judith Wallerstein InThe Unexpected Legacy of DivorceHyperion, 2000.

If a parent teaches a child that his or her relationship with the other parent is unstable, insecure, inconsistent or temporary, there will be a correlation between the damaged parent/child relationship and difficult adult relationships years later.

Let me now tell you my unfinished journey…..

I have two wonderful boys – 7 and 14 years old. I love them with all my heart. They have done me no wrong. I divorced from their mother in early 2005 and since then we have lived apart. We have joint-custody of both kids and my access is on every weekend where they come back with me on Saturday morning and I send them back on Sunday evening.

I am aware that their mother has a boyfriend who is trying to become a part of the lives of our children. I guess I should not mind but then the boyfriend is a person who gets drunk occasionally and become uncontrollable once he is drunk. My thoughts turn to our children everytime I think of the precarious position that they are in. They are a part of me forever and it is my responsibility to ensure that they have a good life. Upon hearing of the many instances where the boyfriend has been uncontrollable I decided that it was best for the boys to live with me. Both our sons supported the idea of staying with me. I filed an application to vary the custody order. This was done only after speaking with my ex-wife and hearing her objection to me questioning her boyfriend’s behavior. No father should be expected to put up with this. Our children are the extension of our very lives and we as fathers must be committed to help our children succeed.

So I filed the application in court to vary the order, thinking of course, that this must be the simplest of procedures. I did not know that a nightmare was in store for me and our sons.

The appearance before the judge

Our sons were interviewed by the judge and the judge told my lawyer that she sees a valid reason for the boys to be with their father. This was before the judge called me and my ex-wife into the chambers. The children were in the chambers along with us. During the course of discussions, my ex-wife stated that our eldest son was involved in gangsterism and that he was a compulsive liar. She also cried in front of the judge and told the judge that she was trying her level best to keep things in order. I was dumbfounded and troubled to hear this allegation. This was never told to me before. The judge then looked at the kids and asked with whom do you want to stay with and they both answered that they wanted to stay with me. My eldest answered that he wanted to stay with me as he was unhappy with the presence of the boyfriend in the house. He was also concerned that his studies were being affected. The judge asked if my eldest was lying and my eldest stated that he wasn’t lying. At this point the judge told my ex-wife, that she had ungrateful children and she should just let them go with the father. I was again dumbfounded at the words used during this trial and in front of our two sons. What was the judge doing? The judge looked at my sons and stated that they both must obey the original order and go back to live with their mother. The judge also stated that there was no merit in the complaint as the boys have been living with the mother for the last 1 year. Both the boys were suffering in silence and I had asked them to stay one until such time that they could not take it anymore. I was of the opinion that the boyfriend would stop disturbing everytime a police report was lodged. But it was not to be and finally this petition came into being. Both my sons were clearly disappointed and my eldest told me that he will stay with his mother until the next hearing. The next hearing was scheduled to take place 3 weeks from this first one.

At the next hearing the boys were again interviewed and my eldest stated that he will stay with his mother. My youngest was keen to stay with me. I wasn’t too sure what had happened but my eldest came and told me that it was alright to stay with their mother as she had changed her behavior for the better in the last 3 weeks.

Access Denied

I have NOT seen our sons since that hearing. They have been stopped from seeing me and I believe this was simply because they told the truth. The boys came to me for help. I took them to the relevant authorities and subsequently I am being punished by my ex-wife for speaking the truth. Both our sons are also undergoing punishment simply because they had wanted to stay with their father. Phone calls are not being answered and if there was an answer the phone was quickly slammed to avoid any form of talks with my boys. My ex-wife has stated that the boys no longer want to see me as I caused too much of commotion in their lives. Is trying to give them a better and safer environment considered commotion? I am baffled by this event.

I believe that this form of denying access to the other parent is a form of mental abuse and should become a criminal offense. However, our law enforcement agencies are simply unable to handle this type of issue since according to them, it is not clear cut. Excuse me, the very act of not allowing the children to see their father is criminal in nature and is clear cut as light is from dark. What more do they need?

What do I do at this point? I have gone to every known authority i.e. Jabatan Kebajikan Masyrakat, Kementerian Wanita dan Keluarga and of course to the courts but nothing has worked. Must I be separated from our sons simply because we decided to speak the truth?

Must I now stop speaking the truth and shut up even though our sons come and tell me to help them? No, I will not stop speaking the truth. I will continue my journey to end this mockery of justice.

Now, I only have memories. Memories ……….

of the time that I held the hands of these babies that came into the world.
of the times that I placed them on my laps to tell them stories that they could not comprehend.
of the moments when I would carry them in my arms and place them to my heart everytime they cried.
of the time when he would come and complain to me about how the air conditioner in the room was no longer working.
of the times, when he would creep in to sleep next to me and his mother whenever it rained hard.
of the moments that I would nurse their wounds if they had fallen and hurt themselves.
of me wiping away his tears when he was in pain for breaking his arm during a fall.
of watching them grow up an inch a day.
of us hugging whenever we felt like it.
of me planting a kiss on their foreheads when their asleep.
of having to cry in my heart everytime a doctor injected them.
of staying with him in the hospital whenever he got ill and had to be warded.
of playing football with them and running alongside them.
of bragging about my football playing skills.
of pushing the swing with him shouting 'higher, daddy'.
of me feeding them food with my hands.
of telling them that they had to study hard so that they can do well in life.
of me telling them not to worry about problems as their father was always around to solve them.
of watching our sons leave the court room and waving back and telling me that they’ll be back with me soon.
of waiting and agonizing to hear from them every minute of the day.

Why deny access?

I wonder what purpose is being served when a child is being alienated from his father. What did they do to deserve separation from the father? I remember that in the Bible, it was written that during the final moments of crucifixion, where Jesus was struggling with the pain and death, he shouted out loud, “Father, father why has thou forsaken me?” Here was a 33 year old man shouting out to ask his father’s help during his most painful moment. He could not stand being separated from his father. What more our boys who are only 7 and 14?

What are the cries of these little boys? What manner of pain are they undergoing? What kind of mental trauma is being inflicted upon them that will affect their adult lives? What will happen to their memories? Is my ex-wife alienating the father from the children or is she alienating the children from the father?

Will they have the same sweet memories that that some of us here might have had a moment ago?

So I journey on, telling everyone who listens……..

Dr. Ng Yen Yen, please do something!

Article extrated from: http://www.malaysia-today.net/2008/content/view/6564/84/

Please help us save our children from the legal system which practices systematic destruction of our future. The laws that were written are primitive.

written by bluefire, April 25, 2008 | 02:49:31

I wish to state that the Kementerian Pembangunan Wanita, Keluarga dan Masyarakat is not doing much for kids of divorced parents.

I am divorced and although I have joint custody, I am denied access by my ex-wife to see my kids every weekend.

I hope this ministry takes into account the pain of fathers who are denied access by their ex-wife’s. I know of fathers who haven’t seen their kids for more than 4 years and they suffer much pain in their hearts.

I have personally experienced the lacksadaisical attitude of some of these people who work at this ministry. They should not be working in this ministry and they should just stay at home. My eldest son is suffering trauma due to the way this ministry through their Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat (JKM) had conducted their affairs. Do we even know the number of kids who have been mentally abused by these JKM officers? I know of kids who have suffered major trauma both physical and mental while staying at homes run by the JKM. At times I wonder whether the people at this ministry are anti-men but who am I to arrive at such a thought? Perhaps someone could shed more light into the secret inner workings of this ministry. I will never ever trust a word from this ministry as I have seen first hand how they operate.

We need a better social service system in place and I know that for a start this ministry must be removed! Replace it with efficient and effective people who have a heart that actually cares for the Malaysian people.

By the way, why do the family courts always rule in favor of the women when it comes to childcare?

Are men not able to take care of their children? This is a discriminatory practice and should be stopped immediately.

Perhaps Dr Ng Yen Yen should make the changes. After all it takes both a man and a woman to produce child !

Please remove child custody from our laws as it destroys the soul of a child. Of course, it will remove some lawyers lifelihood.

The custody of a child must be with both parents and no one has the right to decide who gets custody, including the courts.

If God wants a child to be born into this world, I am also sure God wants the children to have both parents. Who are we to destroy God’s plans !

Inefficient Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat

I have 2 wonderful sons whom are undergoing mental abuse with their mother (ex-wife) and her boyfriend. My youngest was molested when he was only 4 years of age. I have been pursuing this matter with Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat as well as the police since 2004. I am now planning to sue the Kementerian Wanita for not taking the necessary action when needed. JKM went to the extent of telling me that if I made too much noise, they’ll take my boys away and put them in a welfare dept. home. Of course, they also reminded me what these homes were like. It is apparently a place where kids get sodomized!

I have also gone to court to vary the court order and the so called 'learned' judge had the audacity to call my boys (14 years and 7 years old)ungrateful children in front of the lawyers. The judge is only a JC and is incapable of accessing the situation or the damage being caused to the children. There have been numerous police reports made, including some made by my ex-wife and yet NO action has been taken. Useless illiterate cops are incapable of handling this type of situation.

We should begin a class action law suit against the Kementerian Wanita and prod them for information. How many children have they destroyed and how many more will they destroy? Their entire country is filled with social related issues and I will be going after Kementerian for failing in it’s obligation and duties. They have committed treason to the public and must be hanged in public!

To the Malaysian Public, if you don’t do something about what is happening at the Kementerian wanita, we have failed our duty towards our children and this nation. We are responsible for putting this shitheads in power and now we must fix the problem. We cannot simply stand and watch. Let us do something and not just talk. Our nation will no longer have normal kids in the next 20 years or so and it’s our fault, if we don’t do something now.

Please respond to my comments if you want to join us to fight for our children’s rights. You may also visit http://www.pemalik.org for further info.

A father's heart

I was told by my ex-wife that my sons don't want to see me anymore. This is definitely not true. How can one's own son turn against the father? My ex-wife is a complete liar and an adulterous woman. She claims to be a Christian but this is nonsense. How can Christ ever advocate that a child be separated from his father? Her mother and father have similar deep seated issues that obviously need resolution but to be a liar and claim to be a God-fearing person is being silly.

Father denied access to his children

I am quite troubled by the recent turn of events in my life. I have two wonderful boys who I have not been able to see for the last couple of weeks. Why? It's because my ex-wife has denied me access to my own children. She has done this because my sons came to me to tell me how they have been treated by her boyfriend. Is this fair?